Friday, 14 August 2015

The Lost Diary #6 | Two Sided

The Life of The Lost Girl: a creative fictional diary, sometimes based on certain factual truths.

Two Sided

There are always two sides to every story, just like there are two sides of every face: two different personalities. I was never the popular type in my horrid memories of high school, even when I tried to fit in. I was always the 'odd' one out—the lone black sheep in the flock of white and grey.

Smiles were often faked and forced, my back often stabbed, my face laughed at, and my mind lost in a cloud of hurt, betrayal and deception. My actions were mocked, my voice was always a distant sound in the noisy background forever unheard, and my image was nothing but a cruel joke.

The laughter and torment began when a part of me died. She was my best friend and my worst enemy: a friend and a foe. She made me laugh, she made me cry, she made me happy, but all she would do is lie. Second chances became excuses, "I'm sorry" had no meaning, and the worst part was I felt trapped with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.

I finally realised I was in a relationship with a two-sided coin and each day became a guessing game, a 50/50 chance: my best friend, or my worst enemy? After trying to turn my world and the people in it against me, I decided I had enough and walked away for good. From that moment on, I thought the worst was over, but as naive as I was, it was only just the beginning—the creation of a lost girl with no real voice, but many hidden stories.

I felt myself fall down the dark and lonely end of the social ladder—I was a nobody, a nothing, and I was reminded of that. I spent my lunches with no appetite, sitting with the rest of the "rejects" who were no better than anyone else. There was this one girl who claimed to be my friend and was there for me at the time who took me in like a lost puppy in the rain with open arms, only to stab my back as well and make my experience even worse. 

I reached bottom, I felt it too. I felt like I was being punished for trying to better my situation and start over and no one wanted to help me. It was the Hell of high school, a deep and lonely pit of nothing but lost souls with tormented days. That's when anxiety stepped in and became my new best friend and my new worst nightmare—a mental and an emotional manipulator that tried to fill in the void of loneliness, promising to never leave me alone.

Things got worse before they got better, but I learnt my lesson. Never trust a two-sided coin because no matter how many chances you take, your luck always runs out and you're left empty-handed or with a handful of tears.

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