The Lost Diary #9 | State of Decay

The Life of The Lost Girl: a creative fictional diary, sometimes based on certain factual truths.

STATE OF DECAY

There’s a darkness inside of me—a demon, lurking in the shadowed parts of my soul. It consumes every ounce of my well-being and there’s no way to kill it without killing myself. It feeds on my happiness, my failures, my disappoints, my insecurities and the loss of my hope. It disables me. 

It whispers awful things to me and gets inside my head—its maggots crawling inside my mind, burying their filth and decay inside my brain. It becomes me.

It feeds off the love and passions I had which once drove me. It makes me think and believe that I’m better off alone, or better yet, dead. It tells me it knows me and knows what I want. It tells me to give up and never try because I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. 

It licks the tears that run down my cheeks. It drinks the blood that runs down my wrists. It sucks my soul and motivation dry. It eats any thought of hope I have and once had. It devours every part of me. It wants me. 

It doubts me constantly. It makes me fear everything. It makes me paranoid. It makes me crazy.  I want to scream, but its hand always reaches up inside of my throat and silences my voice: my pain. I become mute—a victim to self-abuse. 

Broken and alone, haunted by my own shadow. Can I drown it with alcohol? Numb it with pills? Bleed it out? Wake from it? The answer must be simple, but everything feels impossible. 

Time becomes an endless loop of recycled days. Life begins to turn black and grey. I blink and another year has past—my cycle resetting. 

I feared so much that I became fear itself. I became my insecurities, I became my addictions, I became the misery and anxiety I tried to control growing up. I became the darkest version of myself and I let it control me. I let it consume my life and gave into weakness. I became someone I no longer recognised. I became a vessel. I became nothing. I became Death.